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It's Unkind to Call You My Killer

by Lily Talmers

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1.
It’s a strange load to carry Hear a dog whistle, maybe it’s calling me home To the heart of my mortal wound And it’s true what they said about me I’m a tattered flag, waving dirty and holy and prude Could those words sound the same to you I’m alright; I am Just the tide’s gone still and I’m left waiting for something to happen For anything to happen; For good things to happen Emotional resistance I don't feel pain, just remnants of my past They’re a friend I afford myself Love like that you just remember Though you try so hard to close it; to end it; to heal It will steal from you end to end I’m alright; I am Just the tide’s gone still and I’m left waiting for something to happen For anything to happen; For good things to happen It’s a wide open winter And its muted deafness Will break you will bind you will kill the mood I’m alright; I am Just the tide’s gone still and I’m left waiting for something to happen For anything to happen To hear someone’s laughter To run, only faster For paper or plastic; a natural disaster; a ride in a casket; a free colored napkin A home on the east side, and people to call my own A bike with a basket; a ball and a racquet The new and old testaments with all the condiments A summertime cannonball; Lady Godiva on a certified ferris wheel Just tell me how you feel; just tell me how you feel Just tell me how Signed, your local suffragette; woman of eloquence Strictly monogamous; live at the high school dance Life is a party, don't you want to be part of it? Don’t you want to be part of it?
2.
Gentle 04:31
I did not mean to plant a false dream To tear at thin skin; disrupt the love you’re in It was the left lane; the exit coming Miss it on purpose, we’re only learning the ropes Flashback a fortnight, feels like a long time I broke you open; we bowed to no one Switch to the right lane; the exit coming Miss it on purpose; we’re only learning after all Gentle were you on my mind; drank up all the lilac wine In spite of ourselves And gentle; it’s only my heart We don’t need to start over again I got a thick skull, use it to right your wrongs Use it to curse my God, use it to watch us fall Back to the fast lane; the exit coming Miss it on purpose, we’re only learning Gentle were you on my mind; drank up all the lilac wine In spite of ourselves And gentle, it’s only my heart; we don’t need to start over I know now what you told her I want you next week into the next year To keep your eyes closed shut, my voice inside your ear Stay in your own lane, the exit’s coming I’ll get out right here, no need to worry It was to see me, you took that false dream Came up with new ones, they turned to thousands Crashed in the left lane, the exit coming It was on purpose; you stand for no one Gentle were you on my mind, drank up all the lilac wine In spite of yourself And gentle, it’s only my heart; we don’t need to start over I know now what you told her
3.
Mother and child cradle me in a memory of newness Heavy, I open my arms as I turn to see It was she all along who’d been casting the mystery of darkness And me who’d awoken too early, still caught in her dream Please excuse the wholeness of my offering If I’m unworthy, Lord, I swear I’ll fake it good Much of your touch is like smoke in the way that it billows Dissipates lovingly as it folds into the sky And finding a music that longingly waits for an echo It falls to a sea that transforms in the blink of an eye So please excuse the hardness of my softening If I’m unworthy, Lord, I swear I’ll fake it good Here I’m stuck inside of my hope as if time’s barely working One cannot kiss sense into someone’s sweet lips to the grave The last I had heard of your love it was inside a vacuum But mothers must carry their children along all the same So please excuse the wholeness of my offering If I’m unworthy Lord, I swear I’ll fake it good Please excuse the wholeness of my offering I am unworthy, Lord But I can fake it so goddam good
4.
Best of times, worst of times, nothing’s gonna change my mind Things can flip right on a dime; people fall in love And then slip slide their way away And I’ve known by extension of the note you left on my skin It said, “I’ve been scared to know you better than, better than” Better then, that we part Hide your heart and take mind while you’re at it Straight to bed, straight to sleep Doing fine, you know, keeping it together Family came to town, loud and proud, we’ve been talking bout the weather And I’ve known by extension of the note they left on my skin, it said I’ve been scared to know you better than, better than Better then, that we part, hide your heart, it’s the one thing worth forgetting Between the lines, between the notes sings my throat It’s a battle cry, a sentimental sigh Eyes are dry I am lying on the floor And what’s more, I’ve been lying rather often to myself Here I laugh like a kid, here I cry like a fully formed adult Here I watch as your eyes size me up, two beams blazing my skull Keep it light; feel the floor, something more, something I’ve known by extension, it’s a message branded on my skin Sayin “I’ve been scared to know you better than, better than” Better, then, go ahead, hide your heart, let’s get started with forgetting
5.
6.
Nearly lovingly, you turn to me And say carefully that you cared for me Nothing hurts me quite like hearing That you’re sorry, nearly lovingly Close to carefully, I drive separately You chase after me, lagging heavily Life is loneliness, joy is carelessness Hope is happiness, love is paradox For you did care for me, quickly, quietly We hoped carelessly, far too generously Then, clearly hopelessly, you breathed into me I hope for you now close to constantly Almost willingly I’ll go quietly Close to hopefully you ask how I’ve been Nothing’s hurting me, I say say carefully We drive separately, truly lovingly
7.
Story straight, story straight, these truths do not equate Story, nice story, nice I’ll take you back in time Glory, no glory, no closure, no these truths do not align Something more, something more, hope is a careful whore Bleeding you dry as her glow fills the sky Back in time, story nice story nice These truths do not align Forgive me, if I did you wrong, forgive me Story straight story straight parallel love and hate Leaning out, reaching toward, looking for great escape Glory no glory no closure no these truths do not align Forgive me, if I did you wrong, forgive me Forgive me if I did you wrong, forgive me Story straight story straight these truths do not equate Coincide, coincide we are as good as blind Glory, no glory, no closure no These truths do not align Forgive me if I did you wrong, forgive me
8.
Francis 03:11
Francis I'm having a nightmare I can't understand it I dreamt I jumped for just to fall behind a cold and concrete wall Forsaken from the garden that could last us And Francis I'll ask something tragic if you'll please console me If you're to smile without me there or catch another's lonesome glare Would you at least remember me as holy? Moon's out; spotlight Left bound, turned right on your street, in your drive Gal, I must say something: I warned you, darling Francis I know that I'm more of a child than a mother So I loved you til the morning ran When dawn collapsed and rules began We won the night for just to lose each other Hearts beat; hummed low Whispered through the window of that room that you know How it slips so slowly, slowly, slowly Boy, have I had it, you know that I barely can stand it That with the fuel of borrowed truth we managed to escape the youth That gave us the excuse to run the gamut See you sometime Bright eyes; dark minds Eyes ahead; I must drive
9.
Sometimes the hardest thing that can be asked is “how do you feel?” And sometimes we give up the best thing we have simply so it seems real And sometimes the lighting’s just right, and we think we’re in love again It’s unkind to call you my killer, so I call you my friend There is no distance too far, when I listen I always hear you For you are the symphony strong enough, all bottled up as if braced for eruption So sometimes I ride through the side streets and replay that song again It’s unkind to call you my killer, so I call you my friend There’s no losing out when you’ve already lost what you might have had For all that you are makes it clear that we two should not speak again But sometimes the night takes a turn, and you’re laying me down again I call you that you are my— I call out that you are my— I call out that you are my killer, but the world hears “my friend” Yes, though you’ve been strictly my killer, I have loved you my friend
10.
I’ve been deceived by love And I’ve been deceived in trying to be kind to you Dear, I’d die for you, but I’d do that for anybody Every body knows it well We are sustained by the needless breaking of the ties we make Bows and holidays make for lively conversation Easy does it, don’t spill on the carpet, baby Easy does it, we’ll close up our hearts now, thank you for your time I take it til I choke, it’s a boundless sort of grieving Close to breathing, little more than soreness from the load I carry Would you call me then, if I told you that I’m not dangerous, only willing? To be kind to you— again, I’d die for you But this I would for anybody And easy does it don’t spill on the carpet baby Now we’re in it, so who gets to kill it, finally Stead hold it smile for the camera, baby Easy does it we’ll close up our hearts now, thank you for your time Like a wrinkle, just in time Something curable, merely healing Like a human, you’ll outgrow yourself Then you can tell me how you’re feeling Easy does it don’t spill on the carpet, baby Easy does it we’ll close up our hearts now, thank you for your time
11.
Something must’ve happened, I’m sure it did happen Things always happen, good must’ve happened Signed, Life is a paradox stripped of its elegance Strictly monogamous, just like that high school dance Yeah, some kids feel stupid and some blame the happenstance Some don’t believe in it; some plot the careful mess Some seem immune but abide by the rules of Some come home crying cuz they wanna be part of it But I wasn’t built for this defective carousel I wasn’t broken til you told me to watch myself Some keep pretending they don’t wanna be part of it And you keep pretending you don’t need to be part of it But as it’s all ending, we all wanna be part of it Don’t you wanna be part of it? Don’t you wanna be part of it?

credits

released December 18, 2022

Songs written and performed live by Lily Talmers
(guitar, vocals, synth, and piano)
String arrangement (track 2) and keys (track 11) by Ben Green
Strings by Sammy Andonian (violin), Raffi Boden (cello), Nicholas Gallitano (viola), and Giancarlo Latta (violin)
Piano by Aidan Cafferty (track 8)
Guitar (tracks 3 and 9) by Ian Eylanbekov
Bass and synth (tracks 3, 9, and 11) by Geoff Brown
Engineered and mixed by Geoff Brown
Mastered by Kate Derringer
Cover by Alex Gallitano

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Lily Talmers Ann Arbor, Michigan

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